Shalom

55 maxims

I was feeling quite peeved this afternoon and hard done by. I sat after lunch to play some mindless game to calm down when I remembered this blog. The author joined the Orthodox church as an adult, like someone else I know. He's a lawyer and runs a small sheep farm in some snowy American state. He often has beautiful photos and I find there is a feeling of peace and calm there.

I found a link to these 55 maxims at Paidiea. I pondered many of them and found a lot of sense in them.

Peevishness disappeared after a few minutes.

sunday morning

I woke this morning to a crisp, sunny autumn day. The house was quiet. The owner of the house, over here for a few more weeks from NZ, had gone to canberra for the day, about 3 hours each way down the new expressways. Son and DIl had left for church. I really don't want to go to that particular church, and their car is only a two seater, so I'm free in that regard. I attended that church for over 5 years when my husband left the brethren group he grew up in.

I decided I would perhaps go the church about five minutes walk from here. Again, this would not be my permanent choice, but it's close and I really need somewhere to go. I opened the front door and then realised I could not go anywhere. Son and DIL won't be back for most of the day and as mentioned, the owner is also away. In some distraction, I had left my keys at college last Thursday when I left for the week. I didn't discover this till I was home. Apparently the maintenance man had picked them up, but when I went back on Friday to get them, he was nowhere around. So, no keys.

The sun was just beginning to come in my northern bedroom window. I took this photo yesterday. It's Sweetpea, the resident miniature lion here. She's a ten year old Abyssinian and like most cats, has the ability to find a warm, sunny spot. The old patchwork quilt is new to me and the rest of the family. No one recognises it, but my husband thought it was mine and packed it. It comes in handy for Sweetpea to lie on and I cover my pillow with fleece throw,because she gets there in tech day when I'm not around to shoo her off.

I've had a fairly stressful few days with a lot on my plate and my carelessness with my keys. I envied her ability to stretch and relax. Here she's twisted like a corkscrew but very relaxed. Clicking on the image will enlarge it and show her contented sleepy expression.

The mornings and nights up here are getting quite chilly and we are glad of the central gas heating in this big house. It's much cooler here than down the valley and when any of us goes to the city or down the hill, we are always surprised how much cooler it is up here. The trees are beginning to colour up for autumn. Further up the trainline, they are a bit more advanced than here, as it's higher. These two look beautiful together with the different colours.

I have a beautiful room with windows in one corner facing west over the valley and north onto jacaranda tree. However, it's not large and I find I am constantly having to tidy it, so I can find things. Not a bad thing in itself, but something I have to do carefully. Most of my stuff is packed away in bags and plastic tote boxes.
I was on the balcony this morning, going through some boxes to get warmer clothes ready for use. This spider is a golden orb spider and has legs banded in gold and brown. The web is enormous. To the left of the spider there is a huge web which doesn't show well here. It would be at least 1.5 metres in diameter. It's circular and on one plane but has other smaller webs joining it to make it three dimensional. The whole structure is then anchored to my window frames and the balcony guttering with several dozen guy ropes of silken thread. Altogether the structure is over 2 metres big. The guy ropes must be strong as we get strong winds up here at the top of the hill. The little blobs are spider's dinner, both past and future and are all trussed up in more web.

While I unpacked and repacked both my boxes and my small wardrobe, I thought how simple life is for the spider. Not really. She has built such a huge structure in the hope of getting plenty of food flying in. Outside in the rain and wind does not appeal to me. Few spiders, even those well provided for, last over the winter.

I remind myself how blessed I am to be here. When I first came, there was a time of feeling the tension drain from me, as it does for little Sweetpea. There's still some stress and strain but that's life for most people, without my circumstances adding to it. I'm cared for, I have clothing against the winter. Provision for daily needs.

It sounds trite to list these things, but I am indeed grateful for them. I'm assured that things will work out one way or another. The saying says, "This too will pass," and indeed it will. Seeing basic needs met for creatures and for me is just one small thing in knowing I will come through this stronger and freer.

lightness

A couple of images of light to illustrate my post. The first is my now somewhat burned down Advent candles. The second shot is really a sunset taken from the balcony outside my room looking west. It was beautiful and unusual.

DIL and I have been back to my former home and have collected everything that was on my list except my childhood oak desk which we could not manage between us. It's in the attic and needs my sons to get it down the steep access ladder.

My clothes had been thrown into bags, a fact which made me angry, until DIL pointed out it reduced the time we had to spend there. I have spent a long time going in through them.

This has had a surprising result to me. I have thrown out a lot of stuff. I've sorted what can really be used by others and this will go to Reverse Garbage or Vinnies or similar. The rest I have thrown. It was not really good for anything much at all.

As I went through things I remembered many events. Some good, some bad, happy and sad. At the end I felt relief. I felt a lightness as I freed myself from some of the memories by stuffing the clothing into rubbish bags. Some things should have been replaced long ago, but I always felt guilty about spending money on myself. Perhaps, it was not that I felt guilt, but had guilt laid on me and I accepted it as being easier to cope with than the scenes I knew could follow.

I do feel "lighter." It's something I should have done ages ago. I know I'll be looked after, I always have been. It's hard to put aside the thought that perhaps something should be kept "just in case." A heavy weight has been lifted from my mind by freeing myself of those physical things and I definitely feel a lightness in my spirit. Yes, this can be knocked around by an email etc, but there is a light to follow and walk in.

so many years in so few boxes

Two days ago, my daughter-in-law and I returned to my former home to hopefully finalise packing my things. we had been there a week before and packed most of my books and some other stuff. My husband was surprisingly polite, too polite in my estimation. However, he stayed out of our way and we packed up in pouring rain. The grey skies suited my mood. I had been extremely nervous for several days before we went but had been buoyed by the support of many friends and my family. Some friends rang me from interstate on the morning and this touched my deeply.

This week I did not feel too bad as we went. However we had a fairly sullen and surly reception although we were not hindered. This time I took my clothes and the remaining things on my list of items. Sentimental value was attached to most and some were family heirlooms.

I was surprised at my reaction yestrday. I felt as if a piece of string had snapped. I was weepy and morose. Today I was just plain tired from lack of sleep but I started sorting. He had thrown my clothes into bags and I had to go through everything. I have a smallish room opening onto a large balcony. It is important to me that I keep this room as pleasant as possible. It's my private retreat. Lots of boxes are already in the garage and I'm trying to go through others and see that I keep only what I really want.

As my heading says, so many years in so few boxes. A few dozen boxes of books, and about the same again of keepsakes, a good dinner set, heirlooms and some clothes. Is this all for that time? I took my sewing machine, but left a lot of kitchenware and saucepans. All my spices are still in the cupboard and the breadmaker. Everyday essentials like pegs and laundry baskets I left behind.

Why? They are just things. To me they are not worth fighting over. They can be replaced. Many of my books are out of print and hard to find. How could I replace the Mother's Day cards made by my sons in kindergarten? What about my small steam tug from my own childhood which runs on candle power and chugs noisily around in a bathtub of water? It is from such things that memories come. Anything else can be replaced or done without. Memories there are in plenty and they have come rushing to the surface as I sorted. There are good memories among them. Things were not always bad.

However, after my sorting today and the apology offered by the Prime Minister to Aborigines, I am exhausted. It has been an emotional day.

beyond the hill lies china

Far in the distance from the top balcony here, we can occasionally see the mountains. For the last few days they have been covered with haze, but today they were fairly clear although the day itself is hot and muggy.

I thought they looked like part of the Blue Mountains, but was puzzled by the orientation. I downloaded an update of Google Earth and got rid of my old installation which did not work properly. Searching on this address, I aligned things and went from there. West, west and more west. Sure enough, way down in the mountains at the back of the Warragamba Dam but actually on the road on the ridge above. Megalong Valley is on other side of the ridge.

These photos are heavily cropped versions of the originals which were taken using the maximum optical zoom (10x) on my camera. The zoom and haze have distorted the picture.

The title? "Beyond the hills lies China" was a saying from convict days here. The mountains are quite close to the coast, only about 80 km from Sydney. Early convicts believed that freedom could be found on the other side of them.

Unfortunately their attempts to escape usually failed. These mountains are not true mountains and in this ancient land are not particularly high as mountains are counted elsewhere. The highest on the road over is just over 4,000 feet and the highway goes up a bit more on the road to Bathurst at Mt Lambie, although that is part of the Great Dividing Range, not the Blue Mountains. The Blue mountains are actually a large plateau pushes up from the seabed. Over time rifts and valleys have appeared. It was these which stopped the crossing of the mountains from the very early days of the colony. The successful way was to climb to the top at the beginning and to stay on ridges, winding across. To enter a valley and hope to find a way through was doomed to failure. A traveller on the valley floor was soon stopped by immense, perpendicular, sandstone cliffs, and no escape through a gorge to the next valley.

During WWII, my dad, who came from the Mountains, was an officer in Army Intelligence. He used to tell us of poring over Army Ordnance maps of the area for weeks to try to find a possible way over for a quick road to be built by the Army if the roads were bombed. He decide the current routes and one to the far south were the only possible ways, particularly for something quick.

Another photo just because I can. Again it's hazy but is in the other direction from here. This looks south to the Royal National Park and Bundeena. There is a smudge of something lighter. That's actually some sandstone cliffs.

All three pictures can be enlarged by clicking. The buildings in the first two are part of the industrial and office estate near Macquarie Uni.

Some hours later... another photo to round off the day. Summer sunset, just before 8:30 pm. It's been hot today and quite muggy too. Very hot in the western suburbs. The sky reflects the heat haze, although tomorrow is forecast as cooler. The sky was beautiful as I glanced out of the window, so I grabbed my camera from the wardrobe, hoping it would remain for just a bit longer. The clouds looked like mother of pearl shell and the sun was crimson silhouetting the gum tree it shone through. I managed three quick photos and then it all changed.

long time, no see

I certainly took my time spring cleaning my mind. It's been a long time between updates. I'd like to thank you for the comments and for other communications of support. I really have appreciated each message.

I've had plenty of time to think and consider my moves and have reached some conclusions. They are unpalatable to me but I really cannot see any other way forward. I have moved out of the place I have lived in for over thirty years and have moved in with my eldest son and his wife. They have been extremely welcoming and very kind, but I still have found this heart wrenching. These photos are taken from the third floor of their house on Sydney's north shore, looking west and sort of east. It's a sunny, summery Sydney day so the views are hazy.

The second picture looks down into the yard. This place has been somewhat neglected for several years, so the garden is lush and overgrown but needing attention. My bedroom is sparse but comfortable. I really have not moved much stuff yet, but dread the thought of the packing which will need doing before a sale. I'm up on the third floor and have a quiet spot on the enormous balcony where I an retreat. There are three huge balconies on the southern side of the house, a couple of others not quite so large and several small juliet type balconies opening off various room. Lots of glass bricks and curves. A beautiful semicircular mantelpiece and fireplace made of polished wood is in the main lounge area. The house was built in the art deco style in the late 1920s and has many features of that age. It's very comfortable, but we need to settle in properly here and unpack all sorts of things.

When I was at home the tension was horrid. I spent much time playing fairly mindless computer games just to dull things in my brain. I would often become aware that I felt dreadful, even though I had not really been thinking about things. There would be a cold hard knot in my stomach which prevented me eating and I would feel quite ill. A deep feeling of a nameless dread always accompanied this knot in the stomach. It was never something I forced but rather a feeling that I became aware of. I've been here two weeks today and have just realised that I have not experienced this once since I moved. Bliss! I'm sleeping better, not wonderfully, but better most nights.

I don't think I really understood just how toxic the atmosphere was at home and how it was affecting me. Toxic is a hard, horrible word to use, but I think it's an accurate presentation of what was happening there. Here I have been able to relax, to allow myself to feel valued and this relaxation has allowed me to see that I am doing what is needed. Past events have shown that things would not change while I was really enabling them by doing nothing. It's amazed me how much I was influenced by views which I don't think are truly biblical. In effect I was saying that if I was the quiet, acquiescent wife, then it was OK for him to carry on as he had been doing. Abuse of various kind, although not physical, more affairs, shouting and so
on would all have continued. Patterns of many years standing do not change easily, especially when he considered himself to be acting as in control of me.
Enough. I've been spring cleaning and intend next year to be a year of change. I have been amazed at how many people from different backgrounds and faiths, some of no faith at all, have told me that the best is yet to come. I've even been told this type of thing from those who do not know me. I have no idea what all this means. i an imagine what would please me but who knows? Still there is some unpleasantness to go through. No gain without pain as the old saying says. However, i can now see hope and blue sky. My sons and families have been supportive beyond description and thanks. I cannot find word to say how grateful I am to them. I have great friends both on and offline. I am blessed indeed.

This photo is of my mum. i was hoping to get more of her at Christmas gathering but the battery in my camera died and she went home early before it was recharged. She was diagnosed with leukemia in late September and has had some very nasty reaction to chemotherapy since and some horrid infections too. She has stopped the chemo drug and we support her in this. After all, as she says, she is 87. If this gives her six months more but with such horrible reactions, what's the point? This diagnosis has added to my stress factors. Somehow I feel that she won't be here next Christmas. Not a pleasant thought at all. I'd like to think I'm wrong, but somehow believe that she will not be here then.

spring cleanout

Spring has sprung down here and almost everything around needs a spring clean. A spiderweb snagged my hair in the hall outside the bathroom at 4:30 am the other day. Not pleasant. Obviously a good cleanup was in order. It took quite a while to get rid of the bits. Just as well I'm not bothered by spiders or the thought of them.

My life is still very messed up and has lots of nasty bits hanging around, much like the spiderweb I mentioned. However, they will take longer to clean than the webs and the spiders. I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of feeling depressed about the past and the future. I'm tired of writing nothing because I can't get my act together. So some spring cleaning is in process. I'm not sure how well I'll go, but will try.

I have no idea what lies ahead or where I will be and I have at times felt as if I'm held together only by the care and compassion of my sons and their families and by the thoughts and prayers of many friends. Hiding in the back of my mind is a hope which comes to the surface occasionally. It is definitely hope, although formless. It tells me that while I can't see them, good times are ahead for me in ways I cannot imagine. Now I can daydream and build castles in the air. Whether the hope is connectd to the castles I cannot tell. What I do know is that I will pass through this and be stronger and happier than I have been for very many years.

Accordingly, I'm going to try some mental spring cleaning.

friends

It's been a beautiful day weatherwise today. Quite chilly but clear and sunny for most of the day. A friend and I went to visit other friends at Mittagong on the Southern Tablelands. These people have a comfortable home facing north, with a view well to the north over cattle fields and trees. It was great to be away from Sydney and all that currently stands for to me. Good food, laughter, good conversation on intelligent topics and friends. Neither of us wanted to return to Sydney,but we have booked another date to see them not far away.

the stress goes on

Life has been continung here, but not very pleasantly in many aspects. I did not use it, and I think it was meant to bully me, but a certain word was used. However, once words are spoken, they cannot easily be retracted.

I've been considering what might happen and have been seeing a counsellor too. I've had wonderful support from friends and my sons and daughters-in-law have been very helpful and supportive. I can see a couple of options and neither will be pleasant or quick. It's a case really of the old saying, " the devil you know and the devil you don't know," and I have decided that the devil I don't know is slightly less unattractive than the alternative.

As I said, I've been seeing a counsellor and have found this helpful in sorting out my mind into some type of order. Yesterday I needed to see the doctor to obtain a repeat prescription of some longstanding medication. I had promised the counsellor that I would mention my current problems as she thought there may be some depression there. I'm sure there is, but I'm really not keen on medication for that. I've started some meditation and am trying to take care of myself in other ways. I spoke to the doctor for quite a while. He felt as I do, that medication wasn't necessary at the moment. I'm to see him again in a week-ten days to reassess.

However, he was quite bothered by my poor sleep patterns which I know are part of depression. He thought that if these could be improved, then other things might also improve. He gave me a script for tablets to help me sleep. Now it's been well over twenty years, probably closer to thirty, since I had anything like that. Dosage was one to two tablets. I took one last night.

I didn't notice anything different about falling asleep and I was once again awake by 2:00 am. No more sleep last night. I didn't feel druggged or as if I'd had anything. I'm wondering if these are affecting me as a general anaesthetic does. Once I come round from one, I'm wide awake. My dad was the same.

I'll take two tonight and see what happens. If I still get the fidgets, then I'll be back to see him sooner rather than later. An average of two-three hours sleep/night is just not enough.

black dog again

I rather liked Chas' comment on my previous post. He wondered if a Cuban cigar would also help depression.

Certainly Churchill lived to a ripe old age. I once saw it suggested that his blood may have been pickled, so perhaps cigars and whisky, I think it was, both helped. Not my choice of cure, although I like and drink both wine and beer. I've just never appreciated whisky and other spirits.