This post has been in my head, chasing round and tound like a dog chasing its tail for some weeks. I'm hoping that by writing it down, I might stop some of this action. I know a few people who know me IRL read this, so I imagine you may see me somewhat differently after reading. No apologies for that. This post will be long. Hopefully it will make sense, but I am writing for myself.
First, some background. I grew up attending St Mark's, Ermington, NSW. This was a small, historic (for Sydney) church with a loving, welcoming congregation. My parents sent me to Sunday school although they had little other involvement with the church. I would often tell my mother that I would stay for the service after Sunday school and I learned to love the hymns and liturgy. It was conservative. This is the Sydney Diocese and basically evangelical. However, it was not like Sydney today. Vestments were worn and there was a cross and possibly a couple of candles. Not sure about that. We followed the church year and used liturgical colours etc.
On marriage, I moved to a small brethren group well to the right of even the brethren spectrum. No vestments, no minister of course, no public involvement of women who wore their hair very long and who never used makeup, no liturgy, no musical instruments. My husband had been there since birth and had other cousins and family there. Again this was conservative and I was quite happy there for a while. After some years I was stifled but could do little about this. Finally my husband decided to leave and join a Pentecostal group. We were told when we left that we were "going to Satan." His theology underwent a radical change to the other end of theological views and stays thre today, even further left, and associated with word/faith and prosperity views..
I started formal study of theology which was something I had known I was to do. A whole new world opened up for me and I loved it. An honours diploma and then an honours degree later, and I still love it. The more I read and learn, the more I realise how little I know of God. I love reading church history and enjoy the different expressions of worship of different denominations. I found it amusing to see how much of what I enjoyed reading and what taught me much both as regards academic and devotional matters, was written by what many would regard as "heretically liberal "scholars.
We attended a large Pentecostal church for some years. I really did not enjoy this time at all. Much of the teaching was light. In fact the amount of teaching was slight and I could not see how many of the preachers could gain their hermeneutic from the passage they were using.
We changed to another church where the pastor was well trained in theology. He left and I still attend what is basically a reincarnation of that church. Things have changed and I suppose I too have changed.
The people there are lovely. But that's not enough. There is local outreach and that's really great. I find the preaching is sadly lacking much of the time. We've just finished a series on a small NT epistle and that was good, but expository preaching like this happens for only a few weeks a year. We don't mark the church calendar except for Chrstmas and Easter. Indeed, for a pentecostal church, we even skipped Pentecost Sunday. I often feel unfulfilled there and hollow.
I miss liturgy more and more. There is so much of scripture in the Anglican liturgy. Psalms are sung, and passages from the NT such as the Magnificat are also sung. The prayers have phrases taken from Scripture in them There are Bible readings. We seldom even have a reading and there is often not much prayer (apart, of course from a weekly prayer meeting) and little congregational involvement beyond singing.
I'm not damning modern Christian music. There is some that is good, with good solid words and metre. However, most of our musicians at church are young and we seem to skip the good stuff. It's loud and often meaningless. There is little progression of thought in the words. Unrelated ideas are thrown together to fit what passes for a tune. As I said, it's loud and I have trouble coping as I have two hearing aids. I think it incongruous that often, traditional liturgy and music are disregarded or disdained yet a similar effect is still sought by much repetition of words and music. A place hallowed by much prayer over the years is cast aside for a warehouse or similar, but deep down we want the same end.
Communion is infrequent and of course, purely a "remembrance," just as a photo album is. Corinthians makes it clear that the very act is actually the remembrance and the word "remember" is a much more active word in the Greek than the English.
So much for the background, much longer than I anticipated.
I feel frustrated there and empty but for private, personal reasons really cannot see myself leaving at the moment. My husband attends another church after some differences of opinion with the pastors.
As I said, I miss the liturgy. I miss the good hymns which say so much. Now I have a new computer with speakers which work, I am playing some CDs of hymns and other ecclesiastical music as I'm at the computer.
I've changed much of my devotional methods. I have decided to follow the lectionary readings for the year and I make my own notes on these. This is giving me a basic structure to the year. Somewhat like a skeleton which I flesh out in other ways.
I dug out my old Prayer Book, a gift to me from an aunt on my confirmation. White leather bound with silver edges to the pages. The print is so small I can hardly read it, but I follow the collects for the particular Sunday. Elizabethan English gives a richness to the words which I love.
If I were back in the brethren, such things would be discarded as "ecclesiastical trappings." Many others from other traditions would see the use of written prayers as suspicious. (I must dig out Tom Wright's comments from Simply Christian about this.)
I've gone further than this. I often use the method of lectio divina as fuel for meditation and find this helpful. Here I enjoy Sacred Space, a project by Irish Jesuits. Ten minutes is suggested for this, although I find that insufficient. They also have other sites for prayer and some beautiful posters as aids for meditation. This site gives music and prayers which will play on the computer or can be downloaded daily to an mp3 player.
I have always found the ancient practice of praying the hours fascinating. I do not follow all the Offices, but regularly use Universalis to pray Compline just before I go to bed. Universalis can be downloaded to a PDA if wished. It supplements the lectionary for me in giving other church festivals. I'm not always interested in the particular saints day for special celebration, but usually look them up out of interest.
Praying Compline is like a fullstop to the day. It's a reflection on the day and a committal to Christ for the night ahead. Some litany, a psalm or two, a short reading from Scripture and a closing. It doesn't take long, and rounds out my day.
Perhaps one of the biggest changes I have made is in the use of prayer beads. To one coming from my background, this is an enormous change. Such things were regarded as superstitious, rote praying and probably heretical as well, for good measure. Only Roman Catholics used those! Right? Well, wrong.
I found this site on using Anglican prayer beads some time ago. I was curious about them but my background held me back. Then I read about them in several places and decided to make some. I could not find a cross which I liked the look or feel of, so put aside the idea. I discovered that the crypt shop at St James', King Street, Sydney was open.* Surely, if these were to be found in Sydney, I would find them there.
I bought a set with a heavy crucifix which I rather liked the feel of. Even a crucifix was foreign to my upbringing. A cross signified a resurrected Lord, but supposedly a crucifix showed him still on the cross. All I will say is that had he not been crucified, he could not have risen.
I took them home and would look at them often. Pick them up and feel them. Old prejudices die hard. It took me several months to start to use them. I use several patterns of prayer. This involves such things as th Lord's Prayer, the triasagion, (thrice holy), scripture quotes, other prayers both written and extempore.
As many sites on Anglican prayer beads note, they are not really what would be regarded as a rosary. They are an aid to prayer and I have found this to be so. Somehow the very act of touchng each bead as I pray, helps focus my thought on what I pray. It involves another sense in my prayer, that of touch. I rarely pray the same sequence of prayers. They are not set, as I said before.
Over some time, I have tried many ways of "centreing" myself before prayer. Some I have found effective, some just don't work for me. I find touching the heavy crucifix a very effective centreing aid. I usually hold it and praise God in the Trinity and conclude by "in the name of the Father..." I then move on.
Now I look forward to my prayer time. Sometimes it was just a duty, sometimes my thoughts wandered all over the place. Sometimes I just coldn't even be bothered praying at all. I have been using the beads for some weeks now and wish I had started when I first bought them. There's always room for improvement, but the beads have helped revitalise what was flagging.
All this is a far cry from most of what I was brought up to believe and practise. I've written at length and really more for my own benefit than for others. I know what I say will be foreign and strange and certainly peculiar and suspicious to many of my friends. I am happy to explore these means more and to make use of time honoured ways of approaching God and of ordering my Christian walk.
* great website, one of the best I've seen from a church. Well set out and lots of information, redily accessible.
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