long time, no see

I certainly took my time spring cleaning my mind. It's been a long time between updates. I'd like to thank you for the comments and for other communications of support. I really have appreciated each message.

I've had plenty of time to think and consider my moves and have reached some conclusions. They are unpalatable to me but I really cannot see any other way forward. I have moved out of the place I have lived in for over thirty years and have moved in with my eldest son and his wife. They have been extremely welcoming and very kind, but I still have found this heart wrenching. These photos are taken from the third floor of their house on Sydney's north shore, looking west and sort of east. It's a sunny, summery Sydney day so the views are hazy.

The second picture looks down into the yard. This place has been somewhat neglected for several years, so the garden is lush and overgrown but needing attention. My bedroom is sparse but comfortable. I really have not moved much stuff yet, but dread the thought of the packing which will need doing before a sale. I'm up on the third floor and have a quiet spot on the enormous balcony where I an retreat. There are three huge balconies on the southern side of the house, a couple of others not quite so large and several small juliet type balconies opening off various room. Lots of glass bricks and curves. A beautiful semicircular mantelpiece and fireplace made of polished wood is in the main lounge area. The house was built in the art deco style in the late 1920s and has many features of that age. It's very comfortable, but we need to settle in properly here and unpack all sorts of things.

When I was at home the tension was horrid. I spent much time playing fairly mindless computer games just to dull things in my brain. I would often become aware that I felt dreadful, even though I had not really been thinking about things. There would be a cold hard knot in my stomach which prevented me eating and I would feel quite ill. A deep feeling of a nameless dread always accompanied this knot in the stomach. It was never something I forced but rather a feeling that I became aware of. I've been here two weeks today and have just realised that I have not experienced this once since I moved. Bliss! I'm sleeping better, not wonderfully, but better most nights.

I don't think I really understood just how toxic the atmosphere was at home and how it was affecting me. Toxic is a hard, horrible word to use, but I think it's an accurate presentation of what was happening there. Here I have been able to relax, to allow myself to feel valued and this relaxation has allowed me to see that I am doing what is needed. Past events have shown that things would not change while I was really enabling them by doing nothing. It's amazed me how much I was influenced by views which I don't think are truly biblical. In effect I was saying that if I was the quiet, acquiescent wife, then it was OK for him to carry on as he had been doing. Abuse of various kind, although not physical, more affairs, shouting and so
on would all have continued. Patterns of many years standing do not change easily, especially when he considered himself to be acting as in control of me.
Enough. I've been spring cleaning and intend next year to be a year of change. I have been amazed at how many people from different backgrounds and faiths, some of no faith at all, have told me that the best is yet to come. I've even been told this type of thing from those who do not know me. I have no idea what all this means. i an imagine what would please me but who knows? Still there is some unpleasantness to go through. No gain without pain as the old saying says. However, i can now see hope and blue sky. My sons and families have been supportive beyond description and thanks. I cannot find word to say how grateful I am to them. I have great friends both on and offline. I am blessed indeed.

This photo is of my mum. i was hoping to get more of her at Christmas gathering but the battery in my camera died and she went home early before it was recharged. She was diagnosed with leukemia in late September and has had some very nasty reaction to chemotherapy since and some horrid infections too. She has stopped the chemo drug and we support her in this. After all, as she says, she is 87. If this gives her six months more but with such horrible reactions, what's the point? This diagnosis has added to my stress factors. Somehow I feel that she won't be here next Christmas. Not a pleasant thought at all. I'd like to think I'm wrong, but somehow believe that she will not be here then.