Shalom

sunday morning

I woke this morning to a crisp, sunny autumn day. The house was quiet. The owner of the house, over here for a few more weeks from NZ, had gone to canberra for the day, about 3 hours each way down the new expressways. Son and DIl had left for church. I really don't want to go to that particular church, and their car is only a two seater, so I'm free in that regard. I attended that church for over 5 years when my husband left the brethren group he grew up in.

I decided I would perhaps go the church about five minutes walk from here. Again, this would not be my permanent choice, but it's close and I really need somewhere to go. I opened the front door and then realised I could not go anywhere. Son and DIL won't be back for most of the day and as mentioned, the owner is also away. In some distraction, I had left my keys at college last Thursday when I left for the week. I didn't discover this till I was home. Apparently the maintenance man had picked them up, but when I went back on Friday to get them, he was nowhere around. So, no keys.

The sun was just beginning to come in my northern bedroom window. I took this photo yesterday. It's Sweetpea, the resident miniature lion here. She's a ten year old Abyssinian and like most cats, has the ability to find a warm, sunny spot. The old patchwork quilt is new to me and the rest of the family. No one recognises it, but my husband thought it was mine and packed it. It comes in handy for Sweetpea to lie on and I cover my pillow with fleece throw,because she gets there in tech day when I'm not around to shoo her off.

I've had a fairly stressful few days with a lot on my plate and my carelessness with my keys. I envied her ability to stretch and relax. Here she's twisted like a corkscrew but very relaxed. Clicking on the image will enlarge it and show her contented sleepy expression.

The mornings and nights up here are getting quite chilly and we are glad of the central gas heating in this big house. It's much cooler here than down the valley and when any of us goes to the city or down the hill, we are always surprised how much cooler it is up here. The trees are beginning to colour up for autumn. Further up the trainline, they are a bit more advanced than here, as it's higher. These two look beautiful together with the different colours.

I have a beautiful room with windows in one corner facing west over the valley and north onto jacaranda tree. However, it's not large and I find I am constantly having to tidy it, so I can find things. Not a bad thing in itself, but something I have to do carefully. Most of my stuff is packed away in bags and plastic tote boxes.
I was on the balcony this morning, going through some boxes to get warmer clothes ready for use. This spider is a golden orb spider and has legs banded in gold and brown. The web is enormous. To the left of the spider there is a huge web which doesn't show well here. It would be at least 1.5 metres in diameter. It's circular and on one plane but has other smaller webs joining it to make it three dimensional. The whole structure is then anchored to my window frames and the balcony guttering with several dozen guy ropes of silken thread. Altogether the structure is over 2 metres big. The guy ropes must be strong as we get strong winds up here at the top of the hill. The little blobs are spider's dinner, both past and future and are all trussed up in more web.

While I unpacked and repacked both my boxes and my small wardrobe, I thought how simple life is for the spider. Not really. She has built such a huge structure in the hope of getting plenty of food flying in. Outside in the rain and wind does not appeal to me. Few spiders, even those well provided for, last over the winter.

I remind myself how blessed I am to be here. When I first came, there was a time of feeling the tension drain from me, as it does for little Sweetpea. There's still some stress and strain but that's life for most people, without my circumstances adding to it. I'm cared for, I have clothing against the winter. Provision for daily needs.

It sounds trite to list these things, but I am indeed grateful for them. I'm assured that things will work out one way or another. The saying says, "This too will pass," and indeed it will. Seeing basic needs met for creatures and for me is just one small thing in knowing I will come through this stronger and freer.

anzac day 2008

They went with songs to the battle, they were young,
Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted;
They fell with their faces to the foe.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years contemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

Lest we forget.

from the poem by Laurence Binyon, 1914.

the elders

I find this an interesting idea. Found at the Windfarm.

growing old

I had a few days off and my sister asked me to stay at her house and mind my elderly mother. Mentally, Mum is wonderful, often remembering things my sister has quite overlooked. She reads well and widely and discusses current affairs. Physically she's not very good at all. She had a fall a week ago, her first, and is bruised and sore. She has bad arthritis and is unsteady on her feet and was diagnosed last September with CLL, chronic lymphatic leukemia. She has lost 20 kg, unsought, since that diagnosis. She gets her own breakfast and tidies up after it but really needs some supervision. While I was there, she turned 88 and I cooked her a special meal.

My sister lives at Forster on the mid north coast, only a couple of minutes stroll from Burgess Beach. All the photos in this post were taken on the only sunny day I was up there. There is a variety of rock formations on teh beach and inshore rocks prevent it from being a surfing beach. However, it is quiet and secluded and has lots of small pockets of sand where the waves come in and it is possible to sit and cool down on a hot day. I went for a walk there to get some exercise and just as I was coming down the access trail looked up and saw a pod of dolphin. One of the nearby inlets serves as a nursery for these animals and there are a couple of cruises on the lake and out to sea for dolphin watchers. I wasn't prepared but grabbed the camera and took some shots. There seemed to be about a dozen together with several outriders. Unfortunately my shots do not show them clearly. One of the cruises came past about 30 minutes after the pod had gone.

I stayed at the beach for quite a while, wandering around taking photos of many views and other interesting bits and pieces. Then I sat with my back against a conveniently sloping rock and just soaked up the sun. I found myself thinking of the situation. My sister has lived with Mum for about 10 years now, ever since her first operation for breast cancer. She's had several since and two or three for more unrelated items. Mum used to sit with her all day, every day in hospital because my sister is not a very good patient. She says mum would do tis for me too, although I would not want it. It has been something of a symbiotic relationship since then. My sister is on a disabiity pension and is unable to work. I know Mum helps her financially many times. I don't begrudge her that and have no intention of ever making it an issue.
While she was ill, she depended on Mum for many things and Mum was happy to be able to do things for her. As she recovered, it was easy for her to stay and they had a good relationship for quite a while. Then as Mum aged and became more frail, the roles were reversed. Unfortunately, my sister by then had developed her own life which nowhere near approximated what my mother considered reasonable, so there was conflict. Mum does not like her friends. I don't either but they are her choice, not mine, so I say nothing. I suspect she probably does not like mine either. However, Mum is not backward abut making her opinions known. Mum sees things from an older person's viewpoint, and while my sister is not young, she certainly isn't old either. She knows many people in the area and does a lot of fundraising for both local charities and cancer foundation events. She's often out, so mum feels neglected and uses this as a lever. Sometimes it seems to me that she's afraid to stop as she doesn't know what may catch up with her.

Allied to all this is Mum's increasing deafness. She wears hearing aids, as do I, but has them turned up to maximum and still has trouble. She's not good at lipreading, and if a conversation changes course abruptly, she will have trouble grasping new words she's not expecting to hear. This frustrates her, but it's also very frustrating for my sister. I found myself spelling words last week, saying them very slowly and loudly or changing my sentence structure totally, in the hope that she might catch something. I can understand that this is difficult for both of them. She likes TV turned up so high that I'm sure the neighbours could hear her channel as well as their own. I think part of her fear of being alone is that she already feels isolated even when there are people around.

Mum's younger sister admitted herself to a nursing home a few days ago. She is unable to live with any of her children and forgets much, especially medication. She has settled in well. Mum feels superior because she is not in this situation. Mum confidently manages a range of tablets at various times through every day. In fact she adamantly refuses to consider such a move. She's made this plain for may years. Her reason? She would have to be dressed to have breakfast in the dining room. Mum gets dressed after breakfast. she can't see that she could breakfast in her room and totally refuses to even think about this. However, I'm many hours away and work. My brother is many hours away and works also. My sister needs some respite occasionally and such respite is available for up to about nine weeks in every year.
Mum needs to learn to compromise but apparently will not. I'd like her to tone down her complaints and actually try perhaps a week. My sister is not well and has been told the cancer could recur either as a primary or secondary again, perhaps as bone cancer. If Mum were to see that this is a possibility for her, it would take a weight off all our minds. Much better to see for herself and then come home again than to find that she needs to make a sudden, complete change.

So I had much to think about as I sat on the beach. I can see her stubbornness in each of us. However, we seem better at compromise than she is. I don't want her to have to move suddenly, but can see something like that ahead. Getting older is not easy when families are smaller and more scattered. I would have Mum with me, but she loves that area and I'm months away from being able to have a place of my own. I have no idea where to move to or what sort of place I want. I certainly don't currently have the financial resources to move.
Mum is still strong minded. Perhaps things would have been easier if she was not so strong. We have much to be thankful for, but much of that is actually the cause of more problems.

autumn weekend

It hardly seems possible that it's now autumn. Summer has been and gone. Actually, it really never settled in long enough to call it summer. I vowed after the worst drought in many years that I would not complain abut the rain. we still need more and many places would just like some. However, it's been great to see the sun again for two days in a row. We've been out in the garden here this weekend and it's been beautiful. Son decided to mow the lawns which were very long after the rain. After much frustration with two mowers he had just about given up when his brother and family arrived. #2 son went back home and brought over two mowers of his own and the two boys mowed for hours. This is a very big block and there was lots to do.

DIL and I kept the children amused, fed and watered. It's lovely to see them and to get acceptance and unsolicited cuddles. They grow so quickly and not just physically either. These three were very lively yesterday but it was good to have them around. They diverted my mind from dwelling on much more unpleasant things.

The eldest, now nine, is learning some hard things. He now has a new saying to remember. "Do what you have to do, so you can do what you want to do. After "forgetting" to do his homework on two afternoons, he found he was unable to do what he wanted to do which was to go to soccer practice. He's a very talented young sportsman and plays several games very well. This year he is concentrating on soccer, so missing out was most unpleasant. I look at my nephew who is in his mid-teens and who has never had to learn this. It's not a pleasant contrast, although there are other circumstances which have also influenced him.

I was thinking about how this applies to me. I find myself in a situation where I really have to do what Ihave to do. there's no way around or out, just through. I'm not really sure what "do what i want to do" means for me, but I imagine I will eventually find out as my mind begins to clear. There are several ideas floating around but first I have to go through.

As I read what I have just written, I see how muddled my thinking has become. It certainly shows in my writing.

The photos? Just because I can. The first is a picture of some trunks on the large crepe myrtle here. It has not really flowered much this summer as it has been wet and crepe myrtle like dry summers. However, teh trunks are beautiful. Smooth and variegated. The lavender was much bigger than this picture shows. i chopped it back as it hung halfway over what are already dangerous steps. I wasn't sure how it would go after a very drastic prune, but it's thriving despite chopping and the wet weather.

The children were intrigued by the many holes in the grass all around the house. My feeling is that they are made by bandicoots. I think the weather has cut down on their normal diet and they are looking and digging for roots etc. They are known to live in this area. We used to have them where I grew up, but they are somewhat threatened by increasing building and feral cats. However we have a very large golf course only two doors away and another just down the street. There is lots of bush around here for them to live in.

Working with the children who were eager to help in the garden was happy. They dragged and carried and waved sticks at the many spider webs around this year. The sun shone, the kookaburras cackled and all was well. All in all, a good day and much was accomplished as well.

lightness

A couple of images of light to illustrate my post. The first is my now somewhat burned down Advent candles. The second shot is really a sunset taken from the balcony outside my room looking west. It was beautiful and unusual.

DIL and I have been back to my former home and have collected everything that was on my list except my childhood oak desk which we could not manage between us. It's in the attic and needs my sons to get it down the steep access ladder.

My clothes had been thrown into bags, a fact which made me angry, until DIL pointed out it reduced the time we had to spend there. I have spent a long time going in through them.

This has had a surprising result to me. I have thrown out a lot of stuff. I've sorted what can really be used by others and this will go to Reverse Garbage or Vinnies or similar. The rest I have thrown. It was not really good for anything much at all.

As I went through things I remembered many events. Some good, some bad, happy and sad. At the end I felt relief. I felt a lightness as I freed myself from some of the memories by stuffing the clothing into rubbish bags. Some things should have been replaced long ago, but I always felt guilty about spending money on myself. Perhaps, it was not that I felt guilt, but had guilt laid on me and I accepted it as being easier to cope with than the scenes I knew could follow.

I do feel "lighter." It's something I should have done ages ago. I know I'll be looked after, I always have been. It's hard to put aside the thought that perhaps something should be kept "just in case." A heavy weight has been lifted from my mind by freeing myself of those physical things and I definitely feel a lightness in my spirit. Yes, this can be knocked around by an email etc, but there is a light to follow and walk in.

so many years in so few boxes

Two days ago, my daughter-in-law and I returned to my former home to hopefully finalise packing my things. we had been there a week before and packed most of my books and some other stuff. My husband was surprisingly polite, too polite in my estimation. However, he stayed out of our way and we packed up in pouring rain. The grey skies suited my mood. I had been extremely nervous for several days before we went but had been buoyed by the support of many friends and my family. Some friends rang me from interstate on the morning and this touched my deeply.

This week I did not feel too bad as we went. However we had a fairly sullen and surly reception although we were not hindered. This time I took my clothes and the remaining things on my list of items. Sentimental value was attached to most and some were family heirlooms.

I was surprised at my reaction yestrday. I felt as if a piece of string had snapped. I was weepy and morose. Today I was just plain tired from lack of sleep but I started sorting. He had thrown my clothes into bags and I had to go through everything. I have a smallish room opening onto a large balcony. It is important to me that I keep this room as pleasant as possible. It's my private retreat. Lots of boxes are already in the garage and I'm trying to go through others and see that I keep only what I really want.

As my heading says, so many years in so few boxes. A few dozen boxes of books, and about the same again of keepsakes, a good dinner set, heirlooms and some clothes. Is this all for that time? I took my sewing machine, but left a lot of kitchenware and saucepans. All my spices are still in the cupboard and the breadmaker. Everyday essentials like pegs and laundry baskets I left behind.

Why? They are just things. To me they are not worth fighting over. They can be replaced. Many of my books are out of print and hard to find. How could I replace the Mother's Day cards made by my sons in kindergarten? What about my small steam tug from my own childhood which runs on candle power and chugs noisily around in a bathtub of water? It is from such things that memories come. Anything else can be replaced or done without. Memories there are in plenty and they have come rushing to the surface as I sorted. There are good memories among them. Things were not always bad.

However, after my sorting today and the apology offered by the Prime Minister to Aborigines, I am exhausted. It has been an emotional day.

sorry

Today may well be the beginning of a new way forward in Australia. Today, the Prime Minister offered an apology for the treatment given in the past to Aborigines by the government. It was an apology refused by the previous government for many years who seemed to equate "sorry" with "compensation." It was apology and recognition of mistakes made, particularly in the removal of children from their parents. What could possibly compensate either parent or child for that evil?

There is so much I could say and I'm sure there were many who truly felt that they were acting for the good of such children. However, there were others who saw this as an opportunity to annihilate aboriginal languages and culture and to cause interracial marriages to weaken bloodlines. That discussion does not belong to today in my eyes.

I am truly glad to see this apology. I remember seeing the word "sorry" written by a skywriter after the Walk for Reconciliation across the Harbour Bridge some years ago. It caused a shiver of excitement and a huge cheer among the many thousands at Darling Harbour.

Reconciliation and moving forward will not be easy. Someone I know remarked that today grace had passed over our Parliament. Much grace from all of us will be required as hopefully together we live in this land as fellows.

beyond the hill lies china

Far in the distance from the top balcony here, we can occasionally see the mountains. For the last few days they have been covered with haze, but today they were fairly clear although the day itself is hot and muggy.

I thought they looked like part of the Blue Mountains, but was puzzled by the orientation. I downloaded an update of Google Earth and got rid of my old installation which did not work properly. Searching on this address, I aligned things and went from there. West, west and more west. Sure enough, way down in the mountains at the back of the Warragamba Dam but actually on the road on the ridge above. Megalong Valley is on other side of the ridge.

These photos are heavily cropped versions of the originals which were taken using the maximum optical zoom (10x) on my camera. The zoom and haze have distorted the picture.

The title? "Beyond the hills lies China" was a saying from convict days here. The mountains are quite close to the coast, only about 80 km from Sydney. Early convicts believed that freedom could be found on the other side of them.

Unfortunately their attempts to escape usually failed. These mountains are not true mountains and in this ancient land are not particularly high as mountains are counted elsewhere. The highest on the road over is just over 4,000 feet and the highway goes up a bit more on the road to Bathurst at Mt Lambie, although that is part of the Great Dividing Range, not the Blue Mountains. The Blue mountains are actually a large plateau pushes up from the seabed. Over time rifts and valleys have appeared. It was these which stopped the crossing of the mountains from the very early days of the colony. The successful way was to climb to the top at the beginning and to stay on ridges, winding across. To enter a valley and hope to find a way through was doomed to failure. A traveller on the valley floor was soon stopped by immense, perpendicular, sandstone cliffs, and no escape through a gorge to the next valley.

During WWII, my dad, who came from the Mountains, was an officer in Army Intelligence. He used to tell us of poring over Army Ordnance maps of the area for weeks to try to find a possible way over for a quick road to be built by the Army if the roads were bombed. He decide the current routes and one to the far south were the only possible ways, particularly for something quick.

Another photo just because I can. Again it's hazy but is in the other direction from here. This looks south to the Royal National Park and Bundeena. There is a smudge of something lighter. That's actually some sandstone cliffs.

All three pictures can be enlarged by clicking. The buildings in the first two are part of the industrial and office estate near Macquarie Uni.

Some hours later... another photo to round off the day. Summer sunset, just before 8:30 pm. It's been hot today and quite muggy too. Very hot in the western suburbs. The sky reflects the heat haze, although tomorrow is forecast as cooler. The sky was beautiful as I glanced out of the window, so I grabbed my camera from the wardrobe, hoping it would remain for just a bit longer. The clouds looked like mother of pearl shell and the sun was crimson silhouetting the gum tree it shone through. I managed three quick photos and then it all changed.

long time, no see

I certainly took my time spring cleaning my mind. It's been a long time between updates. I'd like to thank you for the comments and for other communications of support. I really have appreciated each message.

I've had plenty of time to think and consider my moves and have reached some conclusions. They are unpalatable to me but I really cannot see any other way forward. I have moved out of the place I have lived in for over thirty years and have moved in with my eldest son and his wife. They have been extremely welcoming and very kind, but I still have found this heart wrenching. These photos are taken from the third floor of their house on Sydney's north shore, looking west and sort of east. It's a sunny, summery Sydney day so the views are hazy.

The second picture looks down into the yard. This place has been somewhat neglected for several years, so the garden is lush and overgrown but needing attention. My bedroom is sparse but comfortable. I really have not moved much stuff yet, but dread the thought of the packing which will need doing before a sale. I'm up on the third floor and have a quiet spot on the enormous balcony where I an retreat. There are three huge balconies on the southern side of the house, a couple of others not quite so large and several small juliet type balconies opening off various room. Lots of glass bricks and curves. A beautiful semicircular mantelpiece and fireplace made of polished wood is in the main lounge area. The house was built in the art deco style in the late 1920s and has many features of that age. It's very comfortable, but we need to settle in properly here and unpack all sorts of things.

When I was at home the tension was horrid. I spent much time playing fairly mindless computer games just to dull things in my brain. I would often become aware that I felt dreadful, even though I had not really been thinking about things. There would be a cold hard knot in my stomach which prevented me eating and I would feel quite ill. A deep feeling of a nameless dread always accompanied this knot in the stomach. It was never something I forced but rather a feeling that I became aware of. I've been here two weeks today and have just realised that I have not experienced this once since I moved. Bliss! I'm sleeping better, not wonderfully, but better most nights.

I don't think I really understood just how toxic the atmosphere was at home and how it was affecting me. Toxic is a hard, horrible word to use, but I think it's an accurate presentation of what was happening there. Here I have been able to relax, to allow myself to feel valued and this relaxation has allowed me to see that I am doing what is needed. Past events have shown that things would not change while I was really enabling them by doing nothing. It's amazed me how much I was influenced by views which I don't think are truly biblical. In effect I was saying that if I was the quiet, acquiescent wife, then it was OK for him to carry on as he had been doing. Abuse of various kind, although not physical, more affairs, shouting and so
on would all have continued. Patterns of many years standing do not change easily, especially when he considered himself to be acting as in control of me.
Enough. I've been spring cleaning and intend next year to be a year of change. I have been amazed at how many people from different backgrounds and faiths, some of no faith at all, have told me that the best is yet to come. I've even been told this type of thing from those who do not know me. I have no idea what all this means. i an imagine what would please me but who knows? Still there is some unpleasantness to go through. No gain without pain as the old saying says. However, i can now see hope and blue sky. My sons and families have been supportive beyond description and thanks. I cannot find word to say how grateful I am to them. I have great friends both on and offline. I am blessed indeed.

This photo is of my mum. i was hoping to get more of her at Christmas gathering but the battery in my camera died and she went home early before it was recharged. She was diagnosed with leukemia in late September and has had some very nasty reaction to chemotherapy since and some horrid infections too. She has stopped the chemo drug and we support her in this. After all, as she says, she is 87. If this gives her six months more but with such horrible reactions, what's the point? This diagnosis has added to my stress factors. Somehow I feel that she won't be here next Christmas. Not a pleasant thought at all. I'd like to think I'm wrong, but somehow believe that she will not be here then.